I did not plan to be an expert in raising children. In fact, I’m not much interested in raising children, per se. There is only a certain breeding pattern these days Sons spoil somewhat And hinders their chances of evolution to become themselves. There is a certain breeding pattern these days Obstructing the road. What I want to say is, We spend a lot of time worrying a lot About parents who are not participating enough in their children’s lives And educate them or raise them, We are right. But on the other side of the matter, There is a lot of harm also happening, When parents feel that the child can not succeed Only under constant protection and intervention of the father or mother Pre-planning any event, running every moment, And orient the child towards a small quality of universities and professions.
When we raise children this way, And I say “we”, Because the Lord knows, that during my upbringing of my teenage children, I also had these tendencies, Our children end up living a defined and defined childhood. This is what this childhood looks like. We keep them safe and secure And provide them with food and drink, And then we want to make sure that they’re going to the right schools, And the right classes in the right schools, And they will get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools. But not only grades and marks, But also decorations and awards And sports, activities and driving. We tell our children, don’t just join a club, They created a new club, because universities want to see it. They put a check in the community service box. Show universities that you care about others. (Laughter) All this is done in the hope of reaching a degree of perfection. We expect our children to perform at a certain level of perfection We ourselves couldn’t reach, And because the demands are many, We believe, That, of course, as parents we have to argue with every teacher A manager, a trainer and a referee We act like a gate for our child And a personal patron And a secretary.
And also with our children, our precious children, We spend a lot of time encouraging them, Flatter, advise, help, compromise and harass them if necessary, To make sure they won’t spoil it, They will not close the doors, And they will not destroy their future, Acceptance is hoped To go for a particular type of university that rejects almost all candidates. This is how any child living this childhood feels. First of all, there is no time to play. There’s no vacuum in the afternoon, Because we think everything should be enriching.
As if every homework, every quiz, every activity Is a critical decision moment for this future that we envision for them, We relieve them of help with housework And even relieve them of getting enough sleep As long as they are in the process of getting things on their list. And during this drawn childhood, we say that we just want to be happy, But when they come home from school, The first thing we often ask for Is their duties and their grades. They see on our faces That our approval, that our love, That their value itself, Coupled with their “excellent” score. Then we walk next to them And we poke as praise as a trainer in a dog show – (Laughter) Trying to convince them to jump up a little bit and fly a little further, Day after day after day. And when they reach high school, They don’t ask, “Well, what field do I want to study? Or the activity I want to do? ” They go to counselors and say: “What should I do to go to the right university?” And then, when the grades start dropping in high school, And they get a very good score, Or “good” God forbid, They write to their friends and ask: “Has someone ever been able to go to the right university with such degrees?” And our children, No matter where they go after high school, They have completely consumed their breath.
They become fragile And exhaustion. And growing up prematurely, Wishing that the adults in their lives said, “What you have done is enough, Your childhood effort is enough. They are now being destroyed with high rates of anxiety and depression Some are wondering Whether this life is worth it. We, parents, We parents are absolutely confident that it is worth it. We are acting – As if we literally believe they have no future If they don’t go to one of those universities or professions That we want them to. Or maybe, maybe, we’re just afraid to not having a future we can brag about In front of our friends and in posters on our cars. Yeah. (clap) But if you look at what we did, If you really have the courage to look at it, You will see that our children not only believe that their value is coupled In degrees and grades, But when we actually live within their precious minds that are under development All the time, like our own version of “Being John Malkovich” We send this message to our children: “Boy, I don’t think you can really achieve any of this without me.” And through our exaggerated help And our extra protection, our extra guidance and our own hands, We deny our children the opportunity to build self-efficacy, Which is a fundamental principle of the human psyche, Much more important than the self-esteem they earn Whenever we praise them.
Self-efficacy is built when one sees that his actions lead to results, Not – So exactly. (clap) Not the actions of one’s parents on his behalf, But when one’s own actions lead to results. So simply, In order for our children to become self-sufficient, they must, They have to do a lot of thinking, planning and decision making And work, hope, confrontation, trial and error, And dream and test life Their own.
Now, you mean this That all children work hard and excited None of them need parental involvement or interest in their lives, And that we have to withdraw and let them go? . of course not! (Laughter) That’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is, when we deal with ranks, grades, decorations and awards As the goal of childhood, In order to promote the prospective admission to go to a very small quality of universities Or get a few jobs, This is a narrowing of the concept of success for our children. Although we may help them make some short-term gains Through exaggerated help- Like getting a better score if we help them do homework, And they get a longer biography of their childhood when we help them – What I’m saying is that all this comes at a long-term cost For their perception of themselves.
We must be less anxious About the selected group of universities That they can apply to And more concerned about whether they have habits, way of thinking and skills, Wellness, to be successful wherever they go. What I’m saying is, Our children need to be less obsessed with grades and grades And more interesting By providing a childhood that is the foundation of their success And built on things like love And household works. (Laughter) (clap) Did you just say housework? Did you say that? Yeah. But here’s why. The longest continuous study conducted on humans The Harvard Grant study is called. Found that professional success in life, Which is what we want for our children, That professional success in life is linked to the completion of household chores during childhood, The earlier, the better, That the mindset of initiative and participation, And thinking that says, there are some unpleasant acts, Someone should accomplish it, why shouldn’t I be that person? Thinking that says: I will make my efforts for the common good, This is what makes you superior in the workplace.
Now, we all know this. You know this. (clap) We all know this, but during that drawing childhood, We exempt our children from doing housework, And when they reach the stage of working as young people Are still waiting for a to-do list, But they do not exist More importantly, they lack motivation and instinct For initiative and participation And looking around and wondering: How can I help my colleagues? How can I anticipate what my managers might need in advance? The second very important discovery of the Harvard Grant study He says that happiness in life Come from love, Not love of work, But love people: Our spouses, partners, friends and family. So childhood should teach our children how to love, They cannot love others if they don’t love themselves first, They will not love themselves if we cannot give them unconditional love. (clap) Completely. And so on, Rather than being obsessed with ranks and grades When our precious sons come home from school, Or we come from work, We need to move away from technology and leave our phones And to look into their eyes And let them see the joy that fills our faces When we see our baby for the first time after a few hours.
And then we must ask them: “how was your day? What did you like today? ” And when your teenage daughter responds with “lunch”, like my daughter did, And I want to know the result of the math test, No lunch, You should show interest in food. She says, “What’s wonderful at lunch today?” They need to know that they are important to us as human beings, And not because of their rates. Well, you think: home work and love, That sounds good, but let’s be realistic. Universities want to see results and high scores Estimates and awards, and that’s kind of true.
Major schools ask that from our young people, But here’s the good news. Contrary to what university rankings promote – (clap) You don’t have to go to a major school To be happy and successful in life. Happy and successful people went to government schools, And little known colleges, They went to community colleges, They went to a university and failed it. (clap) The proof is in this room, in our communities, That is the truth. If we can expand our vision And we’re ready to take other universities into account, And we gave up our own ego from the equation, We can accept and accept this fact and then realize, That this is not the end of the world If our children don’t go to one of those big schools. and, most importantly, If they do not live their childhood according to an authoritarian task list When they go to university, whatever it is, They will go to it of their own free will, Supported by their will, Qualified and ready to thrive there.
I have to confess to you something. I’ve got two sons, as I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery. They are teenagers. And sometime, I think I was treating them a bit As bonsai trees – (Laughter) I intended to cut it and trim it carefully And formed into a perfect human being Ideal enough to enter One of the most selective universities. But I realized, after working with thousands of children – (Laughter) And raising my son and daughter, That my kids are not bonsai trees. But wild flowers Of unknown sex and gender – (Laughter) And my job is to provide a nutritious environment, To strengthen them through domestic works I love them so that they love others and receive love And university, major, profession, It’s up to them. My job is not to make them as I want, But support them so that they become wonderful in themselves.
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