Translator: Fatima Zahra El Hafa Auditor: muhammad Samir I did not plan to be an expert in raising children. In fact, I am not much interested in raising children, per se. There is only a particular breeding pattern these days Sorts children spoil, It impedes their chances of developing into themselves. There are certain breeding patterns these days Obstructing the road. What I want to say is, We spend a lot of time worrying a lot About parents who do not participate enough in the lives of their children Educating or raising them, We are right.
But on the other side of the matter, There is a lot of harm going on, too. When parents feel that the child cannot succeed Except under the constant protection and intervention of the father or mother Pre-planning any event, running every moment, And direct the child towards a small quality of universities and professions. When we raise children this way, And I say "we", Because the Lord knows, that during my raising my teenage boys, I also had these tendencies, Our children end up living with a painted and specific childhood. This is what this childhood looks like. We maintain their safety and security, We provide them with food and drink.
And then we want to make sure that they go to the right schools, And the right classes in the right schools, And they will get the right grades in the right classes in the right schools. But not only grades and marks, Even medals and awards Sports, activities and driving. We say to our children, do not just join a club, They even created a new club, because universities want to see that. They put a tick in the category of community service. Show the universities that you care about others. (Laughter) All this is done in the hope of achieving a degree of perfection. We expect our children to perform at a certain level of perfection We ourselves couldn't reach it, And because the demands are many, We believe, Of course we must, as parents argue, each teacher Director, coach and referee We act like a gatekeeper for our child Personal sponsor And a secretary.
And also with our children, our precious children, We spend a lot of time encouraging them, Flattering, giving advice and assistance to them, bargaining and harassing them if necessary, To make sure they won't spoil it, They will not close the doors, They will not destroy their future, And hopeful acceptance To go to a certain type of university That rejects almost all candidates. This is how any child in this childhood feels. First of all, there is no time to play. There is no emptiness in the afternoon, Because we believe that everything should be enriching. As if every homework, every competition, every activity It is a defining moment for this future that we envision for them. We relieve them of help with housework, And we relieve them of even getting enough sleep As long as they are in the process of accomplishing the things on their list. And during this painted childhood, we say we just want to be happy, But when they come home from school, The first thing we often ask about It is their duties and degrees.
They see on our faces Our consent, that our love, That their value in itself, Coupled with an "excellent" grade. Then we walk beside them And we read like praising chicken as a trainer in a dog show – (Laughter) Trying to get them to jump a little higher and fly a little further, Day in, day out, day out. And when they reach secondary school, They don't ask, "Well, what field do I want to study? Or the activity I want to do? " They go to the consultants and say: "What do I have to do to go to the right university?" Then, when grades start to drop in high school, And they get "very good" degree, Or "good" grade, God forbid, They send their friends and ask: "Has someone ever managed to go to the appropriate university with degrees like this?" And our children, No matter where they go after high school, They have completely taken their breath away.
They develop fragility And exhaustion. And they grow up prematurely, Wishing that the adults in their lives said: “What you've done is enough, The effort you put into your childhood was sufficient. " They are now destroyed by high rates of anxiety and depression Some of them ask Whether this life is worth it. We, parents, We parents are absolutely certain that it is worth it. We are acting – As if we literally believe that they have no future If they do not go to one of these universities or professions That we want for them. Or maybe, perhaps, we are just afraid From not having a future that we can brag about In front of our friends and in posters on our cars. Yes. (clap) But if you look at what we did, If you really have the courage to look into it, You will see that our children do not only believe that their value is coupled In degrees and marks, But when we actually live in their precious minds that are under development All the time, like our own version of "Being John Malkovich" We are sending our children this message: "Boy, I don't think you can really do any of this without me." And through our overrated help Our extra protection, our extra guidance and our own hands, We deprive our children of the opportunity to build self-efficacy, Which is a basic principle of the human soul, Much more important than the self-esteem they earn Whenever we praise them.
Self-efficacy is built when one sees his actions produce results, Not – Exactly like this. (clap) It is not one’s father’s actions on his behalf, But when one's own actions lead to results. So simply, In order for our children to gain self-efficacy, they must, They have to do a lot of thinking, planning and decision-making Work, hope, confrontation, trial and error, A dream and a life test By themselves. Now, does this mean All children work hard and excited None of them need parental involvement or interest in their lives, And that we have to withdraw and leave them to their condition? .
of course not! (Laughter) That is not what I am saying. What I am saying is, when we deal with ranks, grades, decorations, and awards As the goal of childhood, In order to foster a hopeful acceptance to go to a very small quality of universities Or get a few jobs, This narrowing the concept of success for our children. Although we may help them achieve some short term gains Via exaggerated help – Like getting a better score if we help them do homework, And have a longer CV for their childhood when we help them – What I am saying is that all of this comes at a long-term cost For their perception of themselves. We should be less worried About the selected group of universities That they can apply to And more concerned about whether they have habits, way of thinking and skills, And wellness, to be successful wherever they go.
What I am saying is, Our children need us to be less obsessed with ranks and grades And more interested By providing a childhood that is the basis for their success And built on things like love And housework. (Laughter) (clap) Did you just say homework? Did you say that? Yes. But here's why. The longest continuous study in humans The study is called "Harvard Grant." She found that professional success in life, Which is what we want for our children, That professional success in life is linked to the completion of household chores during childhood, The earlier, the better, That the mentality of initiative and participation, And the thought that says: There are some unpleasant deeds, Someone has to accomplish it, why am I not that person? Thinking that says: I will make my efforts for the public benefit, This is what makes you excel at work.
Now, we all know this. You know this. (clap) We all know this, but during that painted childhood, We excuse our children from doing housework, And when they reach the stage of work as youth They're still waiting for a to-do list, But it does not exist More importantly, they lack motivation and instinct To initiate and participate Looking around and wondering: How can I help my colleagues? How can I anticipate what my boss might need in advance? And the second very important finding of the Harvard Grant study He says that happiness in life Comes from love, Not a love of work, Rather, love for people: Our husbands, partners, friends, and family.
So childhood must teach our children how to love, They cannot love others if they do not love themselves first, They will not love themselves if we cannot offer them unconditional love. (clap) Completely. And so on, Instead of being obsessed with grades and grades When our dear children come home from school, Or we come from work, We need to get away from technology and leave our phones And to look into their eyes And let them see the joy that fills our faces When we see our baby for the first time after a few hours. Then we must ask them: "how was your day? What did you like today? " And when your teenage daughter responds to "lunch," like my daughter did, And I want to know the result of the math test, No lunch, You must show an interest in food.
And she says, "What's so cool about lunch today?" They need to know that they are important to us as human beings, And not because of their rates. Well, you think: housework and love, This sounds fine, but let's be real. Universities want to see high scores and scores Ratings and awards, and that's kinda true. Big schools ask our young people, But here's the good news.
Contrary to what university rankings promote – (clap) You do not have to go to a major school To be happy and successful in life. Happy and successful people went to government schools, And little unknown colleges, They went to community colleges, They went to a university and failed at it. (clap) The evidence for this is in this room, in our societies, However, this is the truth.
If we can expand our vision We became ready to take other universities into consideration, And we abandoned our own ego from the equation, We can accept and accept this fact and then realize, That this is not the end of the world If our children do not go to one of these major schools. and, most importantly, If they do not live their childhood according to a tyrannical to-do list When they go to university, whatever it is, They will go to it of their own free will, Supported by their desire, Qualified and ready to thrive there. I have to admit to you something. I've got two sons as I mentioned, Sawyer and Avery. They are teenagers. And at some point, I think I was kinda treating them Like bonsai trees – (Laughter) I was going to cut it and trim it carefully And its formation into a perfect human being Perfect enough to get in One of the most selective universities. But I realized, after working with thousands of children – (Laughter) And raising my son and daughter, My kids are not bonsai trees.
Rather, wild flowers Of unknown gender and gender – (Laughter) My job is to provide a nourishing environment, To strengthen them through household works And I love them so that they can love others and receive love University, specialization and profession, That's up to them. My job is not to make them as I want, Rather, providing support for them to become wonderful in themselves. Thank you. (clap) .